Monday, February 14, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
My friend gave me the idea for this satirical piece. If you're informed about UC Irvine, you'll know what it's poking fun at.
So you've been following the news, maybe even read the article instead of just the byline, formed a strong opinion with no intent to look into opposing narratives, and now you want to stand up to oppression and injustice. Perhaps there are people starving in Africa. Perhaps minorities are being killed and women are being raped senselessly in the Middle East. Or perhaps a diplomat from a foreign country you've never in your life been to yet just can't stand is due to give a speech on your campus. Whatever the reason, you can't stand idly by while this injustice happens right in front of you.
Good for you! But before you do, you're going to need a game plan. The road ahead is not an easy one. The following are tips to help you stand up for what's right and completely unresearched.
1. Organize Make sure you get in contact with other like-minded people who know only half of the necessary facts. Sometimes people need a kick in the butt to get them going, so it might help to whip up a boogeyman to get their rears in gear. For example, inform them about this or that country that's doing horrible, awful, inhumane things to these or those poor people. Really convince them that this country is pure evil, the Satan-spawn of the world. Abusing Nazi analogies over and over really helps. Before you know it, your peers will be clamoring for action. You might even start believing it yourself, too!
Careful, though; be sure not to present the controversial matter in its entirety; otherwise your peers may actually be forced to think for themselves, and you don't want that. And for the love of all that is unresearched and brainwashed, do NOT do any original research yourself, or you risk exposing yourself to the evils of propaganda. Always, always, ALWAYS get your information from biased news sources and organizations no rational person would trust. They know what's up. It also helps if they hate America.
2. Run Recon on Your Enemies Now that you and your group are ready for action, it's time to find where your ill-formed opinions are needed most. Research the student clubs on your college campus, and find the ones that don't agree with your cause. In fact, find the ones that half-agree with you but also try to play the middle ground just so you can tell them to screw off and show them what awesomely close-minded SOBs you all are. Once you've done that, find out if these student groups are holding any events. It doesn't matter what the subject of the event is; they don't share your viewpoint, so they're Hitler.
3. Map Out a Plan Now that you've tracked down the offending student clubs on your campus and researched their events, it's time to pick the one you'll be sabotaging. In the name of peace and justice, of course. Generally, the bigger the event the better. This way you stand the chance of getting more media coverage, which is half the reason you're doing this anyway, you silly egotistical sociopath you.
Be sure to discuss your plans online or via mail. Whatever you choose, it isvital that you leave a paper or electronic trail for the authorities to find later on. This will likely lead to greater controversy after the event, giving you another chance to publicize your cause. Never mind how impossibly stupid this may seem; it's for justice!
4. Get Your War Paint On It's a well-known fact that the more identical members of a group look, the more intimidating they are. Be sure your members are all dressed similarly at the least. When you walk into that event, you want people to know you plan on making an obnoxious amount of trouble.
5. Strategic Placement Spread your cohorts out through the event. This way, when you launch your plan into action, your peers can make as much noise as humanly possible to create the illusion that there are people with valid opinions who support you in standing up to tyranny. In reality, everybody in the room - political opinions notwithstanding - will think you and your friends are a group of immature foggy-headed twats. But that's alright. You're enlightened! You know better than they do, poor souls.
6. Be Patient Timing is everything. Wait until the perfect moment to unleash your attack. If the event is featuring a speaker, give him some time before you launch your plan. Remember, you are high on truth. You have a bad case of the justice munchies and this guy is the only apartheid brownie in the whole frikkin room.
You're going to have to put up with the speaker's lies and propaganda long enough to wait for the perfect moment. Two, maybe even three entire seconds should be enough. Then you can jump into action. Remember, genocide is not free speech! In fact, it's not any kind of speech because it's a physical action.
7. Strength! Remember why you're here! Be solid in your conviction. Stand up and make sure the entire room is aware of your polite but unthinkably obnoxious interruption. After all, this is a free country, and you're entitled to your freedom of speech just like everyone else. Except for everybody in this room. They don't count.
You are a megaphone for your cause, and you must amplify its message as loudly, rude, inconsiderate, and annoying as you can. That'll make your message really stick!
8. Choose Your Words Wisely Let the speaker know exactly what you think of him! Remember to use as many buzz words and sound bites as possible, for dramatic effect. Words like "racism," "genocide," "apartheid," and "Nazi" are all extremely effective in getting your point across. Don't be surprised if the speaker even says that he agrees with you, but only because of your eloquent and majestic diction.
9. Don't Give Up! Very likely, the oppressive lackeys of the school's regime will escort you out in an autocratic attempt to silence your message just because you're a minority/are not white. Don't worry, though; your peers inside will continue the fight! Make sure that before the event, you've established very clearly you will not let this event finish (and remember; leave a paper trail of it). How dare these students who oppose your opinion try and host a large-scale event that is in no way controversial and in fact only discusses history! What do they think they have, freedom of speech? Homey, please.
After 10 or 11 polite interruptions, have your supporters leave the room in an unnecessarily noisy manner. And just when everyone in the room thinks they can finally enjoy the event without interruption... SURPRISE! There you and your partners in justice are outside the event, chanting and screaming and holding up signs that no one in the event can read or even see. Do not let them silence truth, no matter how obnoxious and contorted it is!
10. The Aftermath Undoubtedly, the club that held the event you gloriously triumphed over will exert their far-reaching power and resources to get the school administration to punish you for exercising your freedom of speech to shut someone up. On top of controlling the world media and banks, now they control your school, too?! That's ok; the first day you set foot on campus you knew the administration of this school was corrupt because they work white-collar jobs and make more than four figures a year. The bastards.
Deny, deny, deny! There may be an electronic trail of e-mail messages proving beyond the shadow of a doubt what you did, but these people aren't enlightened like you are, so if you keep denying they'll eventually buy it.
11. Milk It for All It's Worth Be sure to publicize your and your peers' plight as much as possible. Make flyers, approach professors, create petitions in order to gather support for you and your fellow freedom fighters. Point out to them the sheer idiocy of the idea of punishing someone for breaking a law when all they were doing was standing up for what's right. Don't these people know that your cause makes you exempt from the law?
Only tell people enough to make you look pitiable and defenseless, a poor group of students whose only crime was exercising their basic American rights (even though you think America is a racist, imperialist regime, but thinking about that hypocrisy isn't really conducive to your cause, so don't worry about it). And for the love of God, whatever you do, DON'T tell people the full story! If they learn any of the crucial facts that fully explains the situation and puts it into context, they may understand what actually happened. And you can't have that!
But if you're the kind of person who would read this guide, then you already know the dangers of not twisting facts and giving people half-truths. You should also already be a master at playing the victim card.
Congratulations! You have successfully taken advantage of the school and American civil liberties to gather support for a heinous violation of the First Amendment. What a glorious display of our forefathers' values! What a fantastic exhibition of the founding principles of this beautiful, imperialist country, where a person can make a complete ass of himself in public and be praised as a patriot for it! Pat yourself on the back, my friend in freedom. You're a real American hero!